The Courage to Be Disliked by Fumitake Koga and Ichiro Kishimi
by Andi · 42 things on NewTwos
- Join me on a wild ride of reading a book based on a school of psychology I disagree with, so I can challenge myself and hopefully learn something from it - the book is a conversation between a young man who, like me, highly disagrees with this school of thought, and most/all its nuances, and a philosopher who follows it and believes it is what's missing to change your life!
- Lesson: Having the courage to be disliked isn’t about being self-righteously defiant or pretending not to care what others think. It’s about living authentically aligning your actions and values with who you truly are, not who you think others want you to be
It’s the quiet strength of understanding that being true to yourself will inevitably disappoint or upset someone, and being okay with that because you’re no longer abandoning yourself to meet their expectations
- Psychology of Adler (Individual psychology) - denies trauma? Poor choice of words if you keep reading. Probably on purpose so you get angry at the book and keep reading (worked for me). All problems are interpersonal relationship problems
- Studies
- Aetiology - the study of causation
- Teleology - the study of the purpose of a given phenomenon, rather than its cause
- Holism - the view of the human being as 'I as a whole', as an indivisible being that cannot be broken down into parts
- 'As long as we stay in aetiology, we will not take a step forward' - or is it? As someone with PTSD, I feel it's important to know how my traumas affect my present, and what exactly has caused my symptoms so I can work on healing and moving on
- The way therapists and psychiatrists approach trauma is based in aetiology
- Adler doesn't say the experience of a horrible calamities or abuse during childhood have no influence on forming a personallity [thank you, because I literally have a personality disorder (BPD)]; their influences are strong. But the important thing is that nothing is actually determined by those influences. WE determine our own lives according to the meaning we give those past experiences
- ANGER ISN'T REAL AND IS FABRICATED? Bro - what they mean is that you're only angry when it's convenient for you, and that you excuse your actions with it as a way of justifying them. Hmm - 50 pages later it talks about 'indignation' which he validates, but based on logic
- Adlerian psychology is a philosophy that is diametrically opposed to nihilism
- If you end up staying in aetiology, you will be bound to the past and never be able to find happiness - this quote is when I started feeling like I could actually grow and heal by focusing on teleology
- "The important thing is not what one is born with, but what use one makes of that equipment"
- The greek word for 'good' (agathon) does not have a moral meaning. It just means 'beneficial'
- Lifestyle could be defined as someone's personality: the worldview of that person and their outlook on life
- If you change your lifestyle - the way of giving meaning to the world and yourself - then both your way of interacting with the world and your behavior will change as well. Do not forget this point: one will have to change
- So-called internal worry does not exist - whatever the worry that may arise, the shadows of other people are always present
- Inferiority
- Feeling of inferiority = One's value judgment of oneself - the feeling that one is only worth so much, or has no worth
- Value is something that's based on a social context
- Everyone is in this 'condition of wanting to improve' that is the pursuit of superiority. One holds up various ideals or goals, and heads towards them. However, on not being able to reach one's ideals, one harbours a sense of being lesser.
- The pursuit of superiority and the feeling of inferiority are not diseases, but stimulants to normal, healthy striving and growth
- Feeling of inferiority = I'm not well educated enough, so I'll just have to try harder than anyone else // Inferiority complex = I'm not well educated enough, so I can't succeed
- It's simply that it's scary to take even one step forward; also, that you don't want to make realistic efforts. You don't want to change so much that you'd be willing to sacrifice the pleasures you enjoy now. In other words, you're not equipped with the ~courage~ to change your lifestyle. It's easier with things just as they are now, even if you have some complaints
- Wishing so hard to be recognized will lead to a life of following expectations held by other people who want you to be ‘this kind of person’. In other words, you throw away who you really are and live other people’s lives
- Society's smallest unit is 'you and I'
- To gain an understanding of the community feeling, it is advisable to use 'you and I' as the starting point. You make the switch from attachment to self (self-interest) to concern for others (social interest)
- “We’re equal, just not the same”
- Horizontal relationships - vertical relationships
- It is about having concern for others, building horizontal relationships and taking the approach of encouragement. All these things connect to the deep life awareness of ’I am of use to someone’, and in turn, to your courage to live
- 'Special Beings'
- Let's think about 'good' children - ones who obey their parents, comport themselves in a socially acceptable manner, and apply themselves to their studies and in sports - and those who engage in problem behavior. For both, the goal is the same: to attract the attention of other people, get out of the 'normal' condition and become a 'special being'
- The ones who engage in problem behavior are endeavoring to attract the attention of other people even as they continue to avoid any such healthy effort. In Adlerian psychology, this is referred to as 'the pursuit of easy superiority', which is an unhealthy attitude (like children who try to disrupt the classroom, and by that getting attention from their peers and teachers)
- The courage to be normal - it is not being inferior. You don't need to be specially good or specially bad to have self-worth.
- Being normal != Being incapable != being mediocre
- Why flaunt one's superiority?
- Life is a series of moments
- People who think of life as being like climbing a mountain or treating their own existences as lines as if there is a line that started to instant one came into this world and that continues in all manner of curves of very sizes until it arrives at the summit, and then at long last reaches its terminus, which is death. This conception, which treats life as a kind of story, is an idea that links with Freudian aetiology, and is a way of thinking that makes the greater part of life into something that is 'en route'
- Adlerian psychology says: Do not treat life as a line. Think of it as a series of dots. If you look through a magnifying glass at a solid line drawn with chalk, you will discover that what you thought was a line is actually a series of small dots; in other words, life is a series of moments of moments called 'now'. We can live only in the here and now. Our lives exist only in moments
- Treat the process as the outcome
- The greatest life-lie is to not live here and now. It is to look at the past and the future, cast a dim light on one's entire life, and believe that one has been able to see something. Until now, you have turned away from the here and now, and only shone a light on invented pasts and futures. You have told a great lie to your life, to these irreplaceable moments