🥰 Random Joy
by mcroosd@ · 40 things on NewTwos
- I put some pistachios out for the squirrels 🐿️
- Some birds came for the pistachios! 🕊️
- Arya napped on top of me for 30 minutes as I played soothing sounds 🐈⬛
- The 2 leads at A Way Out were incredible, I got to talk to Cole, Kristen, Mark, Vicki, and Travis…Dalton was being goofy, I just…I felt seen. And heard. It was wonderful. 💖
- I am finally encountering the cherry blossoms 🌸 on Patlantis and it is SO nice
- I experienced a moment of MASSIVE joy today headbanging to Triumphant by Mellodeath (sandwiched between belting out Growing Sideways) and it was magical. A moment. I let go. ✨🙏🏾🎶🤘🏾
- Arya is chilling on the bed with me and Cosmo. I got up, Arya got up and ran away…I managed to carry her back and beckon her and now she’s lying even closer to me! And Cosmo is STILL ON THE BED! YESSS 🐈⬛🐈⬛
- We had the younger sisters of the rave fam + Anna + a random girlie join us for Blanke last night! I had SUCH a good time, it was wonderful to reset for the first time this year with people and music and BASS 🎶🔊💖
- Appendix II: Spiritual Experience - I was brought to tears by this passage for the first time ever. 🥹💖
- Cosmo🐈⬛ in my lap, tea 🫖 at my side, playing Strange Horticulture 🪴🪻with Arya 🐈⬛ behind my laptop. It’s cloudy and looks about to rain. ☔️☁️ I am serene, and so grateful for this morning moment.
- I finally saved my very first spood! 🕸️
- I had a busy weekend…chaired a workshop, went to a meeting in the evening when I was exhausted, just…a lot of overwhelming feelings of nostalgia, loss, growth, humility…I finally have the tools now to pause the pain. Not everything demands an active action — there is power in pausing. 🙏🏾🥺 I wish I’d known. But I’m grateful to know how to do it now.
- Cosmo is sleeping in my lap. I’m so grateful for this lil guy and will miss him and my Arya baby on this trip 🥺🏔️
- First paycheck with the new job! Feeling inspired, motivated, READY! 💪🏾
- First time I dreamt of you and we were very obviously broken up but had met again after some time…chatted about the cats and I guess our shared dog?? Which we never had? And there was laughter and catching up, but also a moment of lucid dreaming where I’m like “oh no I usually wake up sad” and ended it. Yet. I am not sad. It was good to see you, even if just in the dream. 💜
- “Still making progress towards the woman I want to be and teaching the woman I am today how to get there.” -C. M. Goodness you are wise
- Oct 1, 2024: I heard When We’re Young by Jhené Aiko and thought of 💙, not 💜. I think…I think I’m falling in love 😳
- One of the cats for drawers open this morning and Arya was j-chilling in one
- Cosmo came to sit in my lap as I was panicking this morning
- I couldn’t find Diana (ACNH) and I had to return an item to her…couldn’t find her around the island so I thought of course she is in the museum (a long shot) and in the bug/butterfly area obviously — she WAS! This and the cat pics, all on 12/13 — a day that started off poorly
- Arya sleeping in her new bed, Cosmo sleeping at my feet. It was a rough day for emotions but this is the end of it, this is my reality and for that, I am so so blessed.
- The random worker at the McDonald’s drive-thru (a woman) told me I was pretty —this after I spent 4 hours at the ER with my friend, wearing a hoodie and no makeup and to boot, a freaking MASK 😷 like how would she even know?? It was really sweet though!
- Oh, and the day before, the NYE party was wonderful. Just good vibes despite underlying possible dramas…I managed it! I felt good! 🙏🏾✨💖
- On Sept 20, 2025 (Sat) - TYNAN set was everything I wanted the weekend to be. I had room to dance (and be unsteady with my bad foot). I got to headbang to From the Beginning and Zeldastep. I gave away a hat clip to a dude to my left, and I got to give kandi to a girl in front of me who was dancing so freely and how I would have if I wasn't injured. I got to see a cute couple dance and I complimented them as they left --- RIGHT as TYNAN played the Spongebob theme, and the three of us LOST OUR SHIT and headbanged through that intro. 🤘🏾 I got to give them kandi as well to remember that. It was wonderful. I didn't WANT to be with anyone else. I was ME. I was fully, wholly, happily, ME. I absolutely loved it and needed it. That's what Lost Lands is about. It's about being present. It's about finding what we love and what we do when there's nothing holding us back. Or, accepting that there ARE things that hold us back (bad foot) and doing it anyway. I loved who I was when I was there. 🦖🦕
- 9/23/25 - I'm sitting here on my laptop, late at night, playing the sets I missed at Lost Lands this year. It's the Slander Sunset set and of course, it starts with Back to U. Gods. How did I become High School me again? Well. Not really High School me because...behind this facade of worthlessness, I am a person that I love and want to grow. ...and here comes the headbanging, right on time. 🌠
- 9/29/2025 - in talking with my sponsee, I realized that although I have forgiven the harm I caused you and caused others by harming you, I have not forgiven the harm that I caused myself. By giving you up. By choosing self-destruction and self-sabotage, I have not forgiven myself for the hurt I caused myself. Fuck. I miss you, dub. But. I’ve been on this path before, I don’t…don’t know what it feels like but I didn’t even know what ANY ounce of self-forgiveness feels like but I have felt other versions, I can work on this. I’ll forgive myself for carving this piece of my soul out and chucking it in the dumpster. I’ll forgive myself for this grief. I want to. I need to. I’m willing to. 💜
- 10/29/25 - I don’t know if this is joy or not but hearing that line, “I’m the same as I was” just made me think about how in recovery, I am working towards being the best me I could be. And that girl, the best of me, that’s the part that loved you so so much. So yeah. I’m the same, in that regard. And I’m trapped in this delusion that if you knew that, you’d come home. How easily I forget the pain I caused, how I destroyed the home I want you to come back to. Gods. I am so sorry. I’m sorry even for this thought. I hope I never actually reach out to you about this ego-driven delusion. Dammit. Fuck. You’ve got all my love. 💜
- 2/4/2026 - I happened to text Emily asking about her due date on the DAY her baby was born! That's 2/2 - I texted Tanay the day his wife went into labor! ...and maybe if I want to BRAG I could say that Yaoyao's son was also born the same day she received my Pikachu purse gift. Ehehehe. Baby summoner. 🥹 Wish there was someone I could tell this to that would give a damn. But you know what? I give a damn! And I think HP finds it amusing. You get it, HP. Lol. Thank you for tolerating me. 🙏🏾
- Bonus: I just re-read this list and...well. Past Mel. I love you. Look at you trying. Look at you succeeding at bringing random joy to me. Let's keep going for Future Mel. Thank you, for giving Present Mel a good example. 🙏🏾🌱
- OH AND DUH I swapped out my keyboard switches!! New K Pro Banana switches, and then I swapped out the keycaps for the green jelly ones because it sounds better! GIRL. YOU HOT-SWAPPED AN ENTIRE MECHANICAL KEYBOARD and made it your own! 🤓It's SO PRETTY 💚🩷 You freaking did that shit. Go you. Thock thock thock 📎⌨️
- UPDATE from 2/10: I swapped out the green keycaps for the Spirited Away ones! They are INFINITELY BETTER! I can see the LEDs in the spaces, the keys are more comfortable (Cherry profile), and they are just...beautiful. A reminder. A reminder I needed.
- 2/11/2026 - After 9.5 years of ownership, I finally heard one of my cats fart today. It was Arya! That was crazy. Wow. And to think, just 3 hours ago I was sobbing so hard I couldn't breathe. Hm. Life comes at you fast.
- 2/21/2026 - It's a mental breakdown kind of day. Broke down at the laundromat. Broke down at home. Couldn't look at my messages without sobbing. There's been a loud pounding in my upstairs neighbors' and after a while of it, I finally went up there and (politely) inquired about the sound. An accented old man says their granddaughters are in and he's so sorry about them running about. I am immediately humbled. IMMEDIATELY. I feel like such an ass, he apologizes, I apologize...and leave. I end up going back with my reversible Octopus in tow (thank you bud you did good, I'll miss you) to give to the girl and apologize. His wife answers and there's TWO of them (ahhhh! so cute) and they were so social and sweet. Apparently they watched me put my tent together for Lost Lands back in September (LOL OMG) and they see my cats in the window! All the time! That's...idk. That was cute. They looked tired, and had toys about everywhere and I let them know to stomp around and jump all they wanted. They gave me candy. Girls are Isabella and Sylvia. So cute. Lord. I needed that humbling. And despite the ignition of the "i am worthless because my bloodline ends with me but hey maybe it's good that my bloodline doesn't propagate" feelings lingering around (...i'm coming for you, Shadow work), that was genuinely such a nice interaction and I'm going to be more neighborly to them. I will be intentional with it. Back to this trap though, of studying and woe. But, it was a good 15 minutes of...humanity. '
- Oh! And I finished my second round of gifts for Bubble babies being born...it may not be a blanket but it's something. Pictures incoming...
- 3/18/26 (W) - Cosmo purring and chilling
- 6/11/2026 - I have a boyfriend. First date was 4/3. Relationship started 5/16! And I get all schoolgirl crush when I think about the fact that HE is my boyfriend. Aw. We have nicknames. He’s a stout lil redwood, an absolute marshmallow. My adoration for him grows the more I learn about him - his likes, his boundaries, his fears. He is teaching me patience, and I here for the lessons. I am so grateful for the chance to have a partner again. I am grateful for the chance to build something real.
- Oh! And I’m on the way to the FREAKING REDWOODS! Dur what an aside. TREES AS FAR AS THE EYES CAN SEE! BIRBS PLANTS MUSHROOOOOMS IM COMING FOR YOU 🌳🦌🍄🍄🟫🦉