How to “fight better” in relationships
by mitchel · 18 things on NewTwos
- Source: Inspired by Esther Perel
- Why: I wrote this note to remind myself to practice, knowing is easy, doing is tough.
- Inspiring quote: "Don't turn a request into a protest." - Esther Perel
- ~ ~ ~
- When someone is upset with you (life partner/family/friend/colleagues):
- Say: I totally understand why you hate this
- No justifications or anything
- Give the other person space to be upset
- Don’t promise it won’t happen again because you may not be able to do it
- Say warmly/genuinely:
"I can understand how this is happening so many times that you would feel this way."
- Stay connected by being present/eye contact. (avoid displaying your inpatience)
- ~ ~ ~
Instead of using words like “YOU NEVER” / “YOU ALWAYS”..
- which often creates a defensiveness in the other person, and they will start giving you all the facts about what they had done for you. Example: "That's not true, I just did [this] for you the other day."
- Instead, you could SAY:
- It feels like this happens all the time.
- It feels like this has happened many times.
- It feels like you don’t care.
- Notes:
- Your experience may not be the truth or reality.
- It’s the truth of your experience but not necessarily the truth of what happened.
- Try and understand that someone else can have a different experience of the same *thing*/scenario (living separate realities).
- ~ ~ ~
When you feel attacked, instead of being defensive, you could be authentic and vulnerable and start by saying this:
"Hey, you are coming angrily at me, and I feel a little afraid."