TwosWrite things down

One-Liners+

One-Liners+

by johnataylor · 130 things on NewTwos

Funs & Puns
One-Liners+ Resources
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Last night, I dreamt that I was a muffler—I was exhausted
I went to buy some camo pants but couldn’t find any.
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
I failed math so many times at school, I can’t even count.
I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather—Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I know they say that money talks, but all mine says is ‘Goodbye.’
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.
Two fish are in a tank. One says, ‘How do you drive this thing?’
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Maybe if we start telling people their brain is an app, they’ll want to use it.
I was riding a donkey the other day when someone threw a rock at me and I fell off. I guess I was stoned off my ass.
People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders.
Blunt pencils are really pointless.
6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down.
Adam & Eve were the first ones to ignore the Apple terms and conditions.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Geology rocks, but geography’s where it’s at.
My friend’s bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.
If you don’t pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
I put my grandma on speed dial the other day. I call it insta-gram.
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side got amputated? He’s all right now.
Have you heard about the new restaurant called ‘Karma?’ There’s no menu—you get what you deserve.
Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.
What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.
Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners? So brunettes can remember them.
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
What do you call a mobster who’s buried in cement? A hardened criminal.
Be careful what you do in the garden. The potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears, and the beans stalk.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing, it was on the house.
How do you fix a broken Jack-O-Latern? You use a "pumpkin patch."
Hipster, angry because his photo was used in an article about how all hipsters look alike--then he finds out that the picture wasn't him.
Thanks for teaching me the meaning of plethora--it means a lot!
I had a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tires, and roll me down the hill. Those were Goodyears!
During the war my granddad survived mustard gas and pepper spray. He's a seasoned veteran. Source: Reader's Digest Dec/Jan 2022 from veteranlife.com.
Cow farts come from the dairy air.
There should be confetti in tires, so when there is a blow-out it’s still kind of an okay day.
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
I told him to be himself; that was pretty mean, I guess.
Light travels faster than sound, which is the reason that some people appear bright before you hear them speak.
It's pointless to tell a bald guy a hair-raising story!
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth? A slow swimmer.
Not saying I live in a rough area but just bought an advent calendar and half the windows are boarded up!
Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?" Student: "A drinking problem."
I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
The problem with trouble-shooting is that trouble shoots back.
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation for the community swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
My neighbor is stalking me. She's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts' which, on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.
Don't trust atoms, they make up everything.
It's ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you're innocent".
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
Intelligence is like underwear. It's important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.
A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason... details are sketchy.
I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
I have a few jokes about people who are currently unemployed but it doesn't matter none of them are working.
R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist.
Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball.
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.
Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don't even own bikes.
A clean house is a sign that I've lost my phone.
I grew a beard thinking it would say "Distinguished Gentleman." Instead, turns out it says, "Senior Discount!"
At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that she's adopted?
Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero, thanks for nothing!
I can totally keep secrets. It's the people I tell them to that can't.
A healthy sleep not only makes your life longer, but also shortens the workday.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of chapstick. She still isn't talking to me.
A dad is washing the car with his son. As they're washing, the son says, "Dad, can we use a sponge instead?"
Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.
If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?
Cleaning mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.
Seasonal Pick-up Line: Can I have your picture so I can show Santa 🎅 what I want for Christmas?
I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me "Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace" So I bought her nothing.
I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to figure out it was just a Fanta sea.
What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman. Source: https://thoughtcatalog.com/january-nelson/2018/06/snow-puns/
Today isn’t the day to be making jokes about the weather. It’s snow joke. Source: https://thoughtcatalog.com/january-nelson/2018/06/snow-puns/
How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.
What do you call an old snowman? Water.
Before the crowbar was invented, crows simply drank at home.
I fell down the escalator. It took me a half hour to reach the bottom.
If your child refuses to take a nap, are they resisting a rest?
A new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
I'm going to stand outside, so if anyone asks, I'm outstanding.
Last night I dream I was a vinyal record. I woke up feeling groovy.
What pronouns does chocolate use? Her/She.
Espresso might not be the answer, but it's worth a shot.
I changed all my passwords to Kenny. Now I have all Kenny Loggins.
Mountains are not funny, they are hill areas.
Don't run with bagpipes, you could put an aye out. Or, worse yet, get kilt.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a python? A feathered boa.
How did the meeting go between the cat and the couch? Cataclawsmic.
What kind of music does an elf like? Rap
How much does it cost for Santa to run his sleigh for one night? Eight bucks, nine if it’s foggy.
How do you have a party in space? You planet.
Last night I dreamt I was a vinyl record. I woke up feeling groovy.
I’m writing a book about beer. I’m on my fourth draft.
I had a happy childhood. My Dad used to put me in tires and roll me down hills--Those were Goodyears.
What's four inches long and makes everyone mad? An empty toilet paper roll.
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrödinger’s cat… She said it rang a bell, but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.
35 One-Liners from Comedian Steven Wright