Posts tagged article

I was born an atheist and raised a Christian; Lutheran to be more precise, a happy medium between my mother’s Baptist fears and my father’s catholic guilt. We prayed before dinner and we prayed before bed. Prayer seemed odd to me as a child, you’re not allowed to pray for specific things like money, good Christmas presents, or a nice tweed jacket. You could however pray for abstract things, like strength. My mother prayed for that a lot and maybe it was my fault. I was very open about my distrust in the system that is religion. Still, I prayed. I prayed for the abstract things, understanding of God, knowledge of God, and faith in God. All things I just never had.

See, I may have had suspicions about Heaven, but Hell was a fact of life for me. God was a maybe, the Devil was definitive. There was no way I wouldn’t be going to Hell, so I prayed more. I wanted to believe, but I couldn’t. It didn’t make sense to me then, and it doesn’t now, but I still remember the fear. The fear that only a child can have; fear without boundaries or logic fear for the sake of being afraid. Finally I asked for help. My parents told me I did believe in God. This didn’t help. My preacher was a better source of advice; he told me the story of doubting Thomas. He told me everyone should have a lapse of faith, and that I was a bright kid for having one so young.

I told my preacher about the praying. How I would do it anytime a non-believing thought would pop into my head and he thought this was a good idea. He told me that God loved me and that prayer was the right thing to do, but it wasn’t the only thing I should be doing. He told me to stop bringing my game boy to church, to listen instead of playing tic-tac-toe with my sister on the church’s programs. I did that, still nothing. I went back to him and he encouraged me to read the Bible. I did. It pushed me further away from Christ.

Eventually I understood what I was, an atheist, but that didn’t mean my preacher didn’t give good advice. Prayer is nothing without trying. Praying for something, even something abstract, is not enough. You have to strive for it. You have to try. You have to move your hands and you have to move your feet. Prayers will not be answered while you’re in bed, they’ll be answered while you’re trying to get what you want.

You say you’re a nice guy. You respect women and would never cheat. You would never talk to a girl the way most other guys do. You’re special. That guy that any girl would be lucky to have. Yet, no girl seems to want you. That’s a little odd. Girls should like you. I bet you have a special someone in mind. I bet she’s a friend— maybe even a best friend. She tells you all her fears, all her problems, and even sometimes cries on your shoulder after she fights with her boyfriend. What an asshole he is. You would treat her so much better. You would cherish her. You would be the best boyfriend in the world.

I bet you’ve told her how you felt. If not this girl, the girl you were obsessed with before. I bet she’s acting weird now. Of course she is acting weird. She thought she had someone to talk to, someone to confide in, someone who cared about her as a person. You betrayed her. Everyone has been lying to you; you’ve been lying to yourself. You’re not a nice guy. You’re a guy who’s been letting a girl trust you, letting a girl take a little bit of the weight off her shoulders and give it to you. She trusted you with her problems and her emotions. No matter how many times she has told you: you’re a great friend, showed no interest in you, or scooted away for more personal space, you decided to try and guilt her into being your girlfriend. Don’t say you didn’t. That’s exactly what you did. You tried to take one connection and turn it into something else. She was sure about the connection. It was something stable. You ruined that for her by telling her how you feel.

Not only have you done that, but you’ve probably undermined her relationship. She can’t trust your good advice now. It could have been self-serving and probably was. You told her you would treat her better. She loves a guy and all you have done is insult him and say he’s not good enough. You’ve made her feel broken and you made her question her taste. Yet you think a guy that called her some name is the asshole? He may have called her something you wouldn’t have, but you played with her mind, her emotions, her trust, and left her in a strained relationship with someone she actually likes.

Do you even know this girl? You have no idea how she is romantically and you only have one side of the story. You’re in love with your own imagination. Take girls off the pedestal. All people are equal. Women burnt their bras and marched in the streets for equality. They don’t need a boyfriend to feed them compliments all day and tell them how perfect they are. They have friends for that, friends like you. Friends they’ll never date. They need an anchor to reality in a boyfriend and you can’t be that until you admit that they have faults. They need someone who knows them, and you simply do not. You may know the secrets and you may know the fears, but you don’t know her.

What can you do? You can start asking girls out and stop waiting for the right moment to do so. If they say no, move on to the next one. You don’t need more friends to pine for, and I’m sure she doesn’t need another guy waiting to tie her down. If you want tips and tricks on how to turn a friend into a girlfriend, you’re looking for ways to manipulate someone, which is just another way to be an asshole. Stop being an asshole and ask a girl out.

Ms. Cyrus I know your a little younger than me, I’m 21 and you’re an age I refuse to Google. But I think we could make something work. Imagine it, me and you laying in our bed, that you bought with your Mickey money, and on the sheets I bought with a gift card from my mom. It could be beautiful and legal in Texas. Let’s be honest, I used to hate you. Isn’t that how it always starts baby? The sounds of your TV show would bleed through the walls into my girl’s (Don’t worry about her TOO OLD like 22 whatevs right?) room and ruin the soft moans and her calling me Daddy.  Will you call me daddy? I’ll sing ‘Achy, Breaky Heart’ to you. That hate soon turned to love that exploded one night. I cranked my car and the radio played, like an angle giving me a gentle nudge into you. The song, I thought was that magnum opus ‘Sunglasses at night’ by Mr. ‘80s Pop himself, Corey Hart. I rolled down my windows and cranked the volume to 11! (I know you might not get that reference Miley but I can teach you things) My neighbors out side who all were teens in the ‘80s nodded approvingly and a few threw up their rock hands. Seconds later it was clear to everyone the song was not Mr. Harts, but yours. I was in love with your voice and your song’s message which in my mind was, the next time we hang out I’ll give you a crazy feeling deep inside. I’m no longer allowed to look after the block kids for a second as their parents make beer runs. 

But I don’t feel like a pedophile when I think of you. I feel like a victim. You look great and what man could deny the impulses you give them? I know I can’t when I see that Vanity Fair photo-shoot. You have these beautiful bedroom eyes and I’d love to give shower smiles, washing machine ass, and even Cinderella’s Castle public sex. 

toffer doesn’t really want to have sex with Miley Cyrus but he will, to get to her best friend Leslie. Jealously makes bitches crazy as in the words of John Mayer, “Like when you’re fucking on supermodel and you make the other ones Jealous.”

Started: Friday; August 3, 2007
First Draft Submitted: Sunday; August 5, 2007 at 4:35 AM 
Finial Draft Submitted: Monday; August 13, 2007 5:09 AM 
Word Count: 369
Title: Rocking in the Bedroom

R&B has for a long time been considered the best music for, a lack of a swear word or a better euphemism, chilling in the cut. Now I love  R&B music, but like many people I’m just not that smooth in the sack. I’m more of a kiss-and-massage-every-inch-of-her-body-but-sometimes-fall-off-the-bed-while-doing-it type of guy. So my unique love making  style doesn’t mesh with the styles of Luther Vandross or Ginuwine. So what can a scrawny white boy blogger can do?

Why not just leave the music out of it?

Answer: Anyone who has watched Gonzo Pornography knows that without music you just hear too much breathing.

Well just put your iPod on and hit shuffle.

Rebuttal: You try putting the naughty on your girl and then both of you, in unison, belting out Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody or pausing to listen to a bit from Mitch Hedberg.

Why not just make a playlist?

To quote my lover: “What is it with you and Bob Dylan?”

Why not let her make the playlist?

To quote me: “Really? Nickelback? Does Chad Kroeger turn you on that much? Because looking the trashy part might take awhile but I can stop bathing right now.”

So we decided to try artist.

I suggested Kate Walsh’s album, Tim’s House. An album I love and always gets me in the mood for that soft and tender sex. But after me and my girl made a list of celebrities we would have sex with; Kate is no longer allowed in the bedroom. As much as I hate to see her and Yellow Thunder Woman of The Bastard Fairies go they went with that god awful Chad Kroeger. Then by word of podcast, I learned about a band called Air. The French band, that according to Wikipedia, falls under the genre electronica, downtempo, and pop. In short they sound like porno-music from the future or music you could use in any movie montage about how being high feels. The track that proves me right: Playground Love on the soundtrack they did for The Virgin Suicides. 

So put on some Air, Take a deep breath and think about baseball, The Red Sox, or if she’ll let you put it in her dugout.

Started: Saturday; August 11, 2007 6:33 PM
First Draft Finished: Saturday; August 11, 2007 8:44 PM
Finial Draft Finished: Monday; August 13, 2007 5:32 AM 
Word Count: 497
Title: Five Musical Tips for Relationships

People who love music sometimes have a hard time finding love. I’ve found that it’s mostly their fault. I’ve stumbled upon five important lessons dealing with relationships and music. 

Don’t Play Music in the Car:

A girl fell in love with me because I didn’t play music in the car. It seems like there is a growing problem with boys and big speakers. She told me how every guy she went on a date with wanted her to listen to something or wanted her to feel how much bass their system could rumble out. I would have played music, but I was too distracted by the conversation to turn on the stereo. 

Yes, there will be some awkward silence but that will only hone your social skills. It will make her feel special; like you’re only concentrating on her and hopefully the road. 

Oh and by the way, be outside the car when ever you pick her up and open the door for her. Never stop doing it either. 

You’re Not Open Minded about Music:

You are not open minded about music. You will not listen to anything. You hate some bands. You judge people by what they do and do not listen to. Do not lie to a girl and tell her you are, just to make her feel stupid seconds later for liking Fallout Boy.

No Set the Mood Mixes:  

There is a reason Duckie never got the girl, and the reason was mixed tapes. 

Unless it is an anniversary or a special occasion with someone you’ve been dating for awhile and the mix is all the songs that have meant something in your relationship, back away from the playlist. 

Do I really have to explain why they don’t work? Okay. It’s a gift that can be deconstructed a lot by emotional response. If you make a girl a mix tape with four songs she despises she can hate it for each track. She can hate you for not knowing her. And she can hate your taste in music. 

Don’t force the topic:

Everyone talks about music. “So what kind of music do you like?” is the a/s/l of the real world. Don’t be lame. Ask them something stimulating. 

Also, the music conversation never seems to go well. Someone always turns out to be an aggressor trying to push bands on the other person based on a band they said they “kind of liked.” 

There is a thin line between being passionate and being a zealot: 

No, that’s a lie. There is a pretty big border guarded by medication and social norms between being the guy who has a few band t-shirts and the guy who reads all the blog posts by his favorite musicians and gets tattoos of band logos younger than the oil in his van. 

Readers please do not send in your guaranteed panty droppers playlist to toffer, it will not convince him he’s wrong or drop his panties; he goes commando.

Started: Sunday; August 12, 2007 12:07 AM
First Draft Submitted: Sunday; August 12, 2007 1:20 AM
Finial Draft Submitted: Monday; August 13, 2007 5:22 AM 
Word Count: 414
Title: How To Stay Faithful In A Room Full of Hoes: Keeping Your Credibility When Your Scene Makes It Big.

It’s the fear we all have. I myself know that one day I’ll see The Weepies on MTV and my pop-folk music scene will be everyone’s and I’ll wake up to a world full of Banana Republic khakis. But I have a three point plan to keep my lack of street cred.

Wear Band Shirts Outside the Genre:

If pop-folk makes it big, have a few Gym Class Heros shirts laying around.

If Alternative Hip-Hop makes it big, have a The Pipettes shirt ready to show off your obscure elitism.

If all else fails grab a Sea Wolf shirt. I haven’t even heard of them yet.

Know Where Your Music Came From:

When punk came back there were a lot of little high-school girls putting on the school girl skirts they bought during their Britney Spears phase and covering them with patches they bought at Hot Topic. I remember one incident when such a girl walked up to my group of friends and started talking about Good Charlotte. She automatically questioned my punk-hood because I was wearing a blazer instead of a hoodie. She must have not of seen my Banana Republic khakis.

She had a “Sid Lives” patch on her and someone asked her if she even knew who Sid was. Her response was “No! But he lives, punk forever!” as she stomped away in fashionable knee-high patent leather combat-boots we screamed to her, “What do you think of the Sex Pistols and The Ramones?” Her only reply was her middle finger and a phrase that became my groups mantra of mocking, “Good Charlotte is better.” For the rest of that girl’s high-school career her name was Dress-Up.

Don’t Be The Pied Piper:

Your music makes it big, be happy that someone of the opposite sex will know when you’re quoting song lyrics. Don’t leave it, don’t talk about how it was better when everything was underground. All you’ll do is find some other fad and fall in love. That one day will make it on some top forty station and “ruin” your life.

There is one thing worse than a person who always follow trends; those who always run away to be different for difference’s sake. Finding a new sound just because it has too many ears is being as true to yourself as the girl who didn’t know Sid was in the Sex Pistols.

toffer also has a pair of blue jeans, without any holes, he wears while listening to Wilco.