Posts tagged a line made longer

There’s a sharp drop of acid in my throat burning away any words that would be useful. I guess no words would be useful right now. I take a drink of water trying to kill the acid and to fill the silence. She knows about the burning, she knows me well. So well I should have known I couldn’t keep anything from her.

I found a girl to love but I didn’t get her name. I took her smile and nothing else, except for the glances I gave back to her. There was a growing frustration in her face as I did nothing. There was something there and we both felt it; she refused to make the first move. I’m glad she didn’t. I wouldn’t have known what to do, I’m not ready yet. I don’t hope to run into her again because she’ll remember me as a coward. I’m not a coward I’m just taken.

FADE IN:

INT. A MESSY LIVING ROOM - DAY

JAKOB and SCOTT sit throwing a football to each other

SCOTT
So you and Kim?

JAKOB
Nope, didn’t happen

NOAH ENTERS WITH THREE BEERS. HANDS THEM OUT.

SCOTT
So you and Kim?

JAKOB
Maybe.

NOAH
You over Tiff already?

JAKOB
Don’t say her name. She’s not special. She is just an ex girlfriend. That is all she is and all she will ever be.

NOAH
Don’t be that guy. Four years mean something.

JAKOB
It means I wasted some of my youth.

NOAH
Really? You’re going to be that guy?

SCOTT
(To NOAH)
Shut up.
(To JAKOB)
Don’t let him talk you into being a pussy. Let me talk you into pussy. Kim’s hot. Blonde now too.

NOAH
Blonde?

JAKOB
Blonde.

NOAH
Look good on her?

JAKOB
Looks great with her breast.

SCOTT
Her breast?

JAKOB
Yeah, theres something about her that makes me forget about my ex, I think it’s her breast.

NOAH
Tits? The things that don’t go into tight jeans? I thought you were an ass man?

JAKOB
People change.

SCOTT
You don’t believe in that.

NOAH
You’re Mister people can’t change.

JAKOB
I was wrong.

SCOTT
Wrong?

JAKOB
Yeah.

NOAH
Did you really just say those words?

SCOTT
Did you find god too? Did clouds part? Did trumpets play? Does god have a nice rack is what I’m asking.
(Throws the football to JAKOB)
Rack

JAKOB
Knockers
(Throws football to NOAH)

NOAH
Tits

SCOTT
Sweater puppies
(Everyone half bows to SCOTT)

JAKOB
Epic man. Sweater puppies. Dude… Ep-tits. Epic tits
(Everyone full bows)

NOAH
I’m out of names for breast. I got nothing.
(NOAH gets hit in the face with the football) Uncalled for!

JAKOB
Judge he broke the chain and forgot the word boobs.

SCOTT
Totally called for.
(Looks at JAKOB wiggling a half-empty beer)
Also you must get up and get the next round.

NOAH
Objection, I’m one hundred precent comfortable right now

JAKOB
Your honor! I hit him in the face with a fucking football just a moment ago. There is no way he is one hundred precent comfortable right now.

SCOTT
I’ve heard both sides and rule in the favor of Noah getting us beer.

NOAH
I’m not getting the beers. I got these.

JAKOB
Judge, permission to treat the defendant as a hostile little bitch.

SCOTT
Granted.

NOAH
Fine.
(JAKOB and SCOTT chug the rest of their beer and drop them to the ground.)

NOAH EXITS

SCOTT
So you and Kim?

JAKOB
Yeah. It happened.

FADE TO BLACK.

People sometimes missed that she was beautiful but never missed that she was alone. She didn’t mind heads not turning but she did mind everyone always trying to get her more friends. She was content with her small circle. Cats almost out numbered people and would be equal if she got a third. Her name was important because people always got it wrong at coffee shops, even the hipper ones that should be used to odd names. Her name has always been Tegan not Megan or anything else. Her friends where: Billie, born William, raised Billy and changed to Billie because he preferred signing his name with two hearts instead of just the one; Mary, born Margarita; and Tiff short for Tiffany. There was a new guy, he was cute and he called her Tegs. It made her feel good and if he had a little better body it would make her feel special.

I need someone real under my fingertips. I used to be able to feel you but you’re too far away now, even though you moved away months ago. This would have worked out if you stayed; but then, you might not have ever grown. I forgive you and I love that you’ve changed so much. Don’t struggle with this. There is no need for heartbreak after we both have changed so much. I know there will be tears. I know there will be pain. I’ve been there and will live there without you for awhile.

This is how we say goodbye.

She put her best foot on my back and took another step forward. She used me, stole my magic. Learned all my tricks and I taught her all the ones I was too old to use. I thought when we kissed she meant it. I should have been smarter what would a young thing like her want with an old used dried hag like me.

Could there have ever been love there? There must have been. One kiss must have been real. No one is that good. Even when I used the same tricks some where real.

I couldn’t have been tricked every time.

She was easy to remember but I fumbled her name on purpose. I didn’t want her to know how much space she took up in my head. We’ve only met one. It was just a moment but it’s a solid memory. Everything is there, even things that weren’t. Things that couldn’t of been there. No girl smiles at me like she did in my memory. The type of smile girls bite to get rid of or to make guys notice even more. Either way the smile was a fragment of falsehood that would grow like any story until she threw herself at me in my day dreams. Which is where I preferred to live anyway.

I had a ring for her finger and when she found out about you she had a finger for me

It sounds like a country song and I doubt I’ll ever write a country song, but it’s good. So it goes on my list. My list is a simple text file that lives in Simplenote ¹. It has all the lines I’ve wrote and loved but just had no place for, an island for misfit sentences. Lately I’ve been working on a project that been taking these lines and making something out of them. This Essay is part of that project and an endorsement for such a list. A list I thought every writer had. A ‘make longer’ list.

I use the term, ‘killing your babies’ a lot more than people are comfortable with when talking about the craft. It’s necessary to edit out things you slaved over, lived for and loved. Sometimes they don’t fit and sometimes they just fucking suck. The good ones must go somewhere because they have their own magic. A magic you can build on or with. They can be bricks or foundations. You can use them to see how far you’ve come. I’ve cherry picked all the good ones from my list and I’m left with lines that are years old and way past their expiration date. They’re a good reminder of how far I’ve come as a writer and how much my idea of good has tightened.

These things are important for all writers. We need to see where we came from, where we are and have someplace to go when the muse is away.

She wasn’t the cutest girl there but she was the best looking one. She liked the attention it got her. It made her like the uniforms everyone hated and like the job everyone despised. She bagged people’s burger meals with a smile and even a little bounce to make the boy on fries smile.

She didn’t like the boy but she liked the smiles. She never got those smiles when she wasn’t at work. Her face was pretty and her body was okay but nothing like all the other girls out there in the world who cared enough to turn make up and clothes into an art.

She was a simple girl who just watched her weight a little and put stickers on her name tag.

I could have been better but never good enough for you. So I never tried to lower my angry voice or stopped what it would say. I’m as sorry as I can be for that. I didn’t mean any of it but I needed to see you cry. I needed to hurt you as much as you could hurt me.

I wish I could go to sleep smelling like someone else’s cum
To know I did something right
To know I put one more smile, one more groan of pleasure into the universe
There doesn’t need to be anymore thanks than that

Just to know I’ve been of use
Did what I was put here for
My only discernible skill
God given talent to sin

There was too much grass on the field to play ball and that’s not a euphemism. The lot was overgrown and nothing was how we left it when we all left. I was the last to go and I kept it up till the day I left for college. I wasn’t lucky, smart, or talented enough to go to a real college right out of high school. So I stayed behind for two years missing the old gang and keeping things right.

I thought someone would have taken care of the old lot while I was gone. Some of the new guard from the next generation. They played there. They loved the field. None loved it like we did though I guess. It’s sad. I want to go clean the old girl up but it’s just not in me. I think she’s dead or maybe just a sleeping beauty waiting for someone else to care for her.

I’m not a fighter. I’m a lover of your wife. Soon to be ex-wife. You didn’t take care of her, you didn’t make her forget about me. You never made her feel like I can with just a few touches. You’d forget that you could screw the cap back on your cheap whiskey and pass out leaving her wet and wanting. She’d call me and I’d take her somewhere you couldn’t.

Now she’s mine again and I won’t let her go again.

I took her at face value which wasn’t much but it was enough to win my heart. I told her a thousand times she was beautiful but she didn’t believe me. Maybe because I never really meant it. She was mine though and she was special to me. It hurt that I never found her beautiful and I hoped one day a better man who did would take her away from me but it never happened and I finally had to let her go.

This should be a younger man’s pain. A younger man’s fight. Someone with every girl in front of him not with two wives behind him. Yes, I could be your father. No, I couldn’t be anymore in love with you. I’ve never felt like this before. I feel crazy and it’s driving me mad. I need you in my life. I need you to be with me. Please be with me. I love you. Marry me.