Ms. Cyrus I know your a little younger than me, I’m 21 and you’re an age I refuse to Google. But I think we could make something work. Imagine it, me and you laying in our bed, that you bought with your Mickey money, and on the sheets I bought with a gift card from my mom. It could be beautiful and legal in Texas. Let’s be honest, I used to hate you. Isn’t that how it always starts baby? The sounds of your TV show would bleed through the walls into my girl’s (Don’t worry about her TOO OLD like 22 whatevs right?) room and ruin the soft moans and her calling me Daddy.  Will you call me daddy? I’ll sing ‘Achy, Breaky Heart’ to you. That hate soon turned to love that exploded one night. I cranked my car and the radio played, like an angle giving me a gentle nudge into you. The song, I thought was that magnum opus ‘Sunglasses at night’ by Mr. ‘80s Pop himself, Corey Hart. I rolled down my windows and cranked the volume to 11! (I know you might not get that reference Miley but I can teach you things) My neighbors out side who all were teens in the ‘80s nodded approvingly and a few threw up their rock hands. Seconds later it was clear to everyone the song was not Mr. Harts, but yours. I was in love with your voice and your song’s message which in my mind was, the next time we hang out I’ll give you a crazy feeling deep inside. I’m no longer allowed to look after the block kids for a second as their parents make beer runs. 

But I don’t feel like a pedophile when I think of you. I feel like a victim. You look great and what man could deny the impulses you give them? I know I can’t when I see that Vanity Fair photo-shoot. You have these beautiful bedroom eyes and I’d love to give shower smiles, washing machine ass, and even Cinderella’s Castle public sex. 

toffer doesn’t really want to have sex with Miley Cyrus but he will, to get to her best friend Leslie. Jealously makes bitches crazy as in the words of John Mayer, “Like when you’re fucking on supermodel and you make the other ones Jealous.”