I’m a suicide survivor, multiple attempts. I’ve been institutionalized because of an attempt and before that I talked myself out of being institutionalized for an attempt. Both times I tried to kill myself the same way. Both times I was sent to a hospital and then sent to a mental health facility. The second time I don’t remember the hospital. I’ve always under estimated how much I needed to kill myself. This is to say that I’ve had more than just two attempts. I’m currently medicated with the following:

Abilify
Lorazepam
Oxcarbazepine
Temazepam
Vyvanse

They all, even the Vyvanse which is for ADHD, have helped me not attempt again. Why did I try to kill myself? I’ll tell you they have been different reasons for different times: girls, self-hatred, a fear that I will never amount to anything, feeling unloved, feeling undeserving of what I have, not being creative enough, and just wanting to avoid things. Like I said, I’ve had more than just two attempts. Ask a professional and they’ll tell you it’s because I suffer from a dopamine deficiency. They’re right, I am too. Some of my attempts have had nothing to do with my mental health problems. Most of them did come from a part of my brain not working right.

I’m not a doctor. I do not know what I’m talking about. I’m a ADHD-bipolar-social-anxiety-disorder kind of guy. With this psychotropic cocktail I’m still a ADHD-bipolar-social-anxiety-disorder kind of guy, but I can pass for normal most of the time. I can pass as normal because it levels out my dopamine. I have a pipes and wires problem.¹ There is something physically wrong with me. It is not a mental problem. Most mental problems are physical problems. Your brain is a physical part of you. It is an organ. The most complex organ you have.

The more complex a system, the more likely it is to fail. Most people² have brains that fail them. Some people’s brain fail them in a very mechanical way. My dopamine factory is very lazy. So it needs help. It needed help for a very long time. I denied that help for a long time.

Sarah Marcy, is an ex-girlfriend. She is the reason I’m medicated. One night she showed me all the pills she took. She put each one in her palm and told me what each one did, then took them all with a smile. I pretended to understand what I just now am getting. A pill is a way to fix a problem. It’s not a crutch. It’s a wheel chair and you have no legs. You wouldn’t tell a man with no legs that he could walk if he wanted too. You wouldn’t tell him that if he just exercised more or ate better his legs would grow back. He has no legs. It’s a physical problem. It’s just a physical problem you can see instantly. I have physical problems you can’t see instantly. If you don’t believe in mental illnesses. If you think ADHD is a myth or that bipolar disorder is just someone that needs to smile more ask the people around me. They’re all believers. I’m not a completely different person. I’m just a good day, almost everyday now.