What kind of revolution? Just some kind of revolution; where he was pushing for something better. Something that would reach the complexity of beauty through the simplicity of evolution, him and a single idea that would grow into something beautiful. He could think clearly. Life became an easy choice, some days an unconscious one. His past dogma was erased. He pushed out thoughts of heartbreak, Dawn and even of all the things he could have been. The bad things stayed in his head, but now they pushed him. If he wouldn’t remember the things he did, he’d make sure other people did for generations. He would change lives. It was a simple thought in his head. Not a heavy one like it should have been. Being great was just a step in his mind— a to-do item to tick off. He just needed the idea. He needed to know what his revolution would be.

He thought Martin Luther King, Jr., and thought civil rights. He thought Gandhi, and thought independence for India. He thought Jonathan Gardener, and went blank. Jonathan Gardener he thought again, he then thought of gardeners not his family, then of trees, tomatoes, apples then wanted pie. His mind jumped from thought to thought until his mind was numb and stayed clear of everything. Until the thought of not thinking crept into his mind and ruined his brief moment of peace. He thought being dead must be like that and he thought it beautiful. Pie. He and Dawn used to make pies together. He put his hand in his pocket and rubbed the small pill container on his keychain and pushed away the bad thoughts without needing to take any medicine. He smiled and started to daydream of his revolution. It would be outstanding. He would be championed as a hero. He would change the world; make it a better place for people. What kind of people though? They’re so many people that struggle, so many places for improvements. Where to start? He thought about the things he was good at and could only think of serving tables. Then a dark memory came and led to an idea.

Maybe his revolution would be the homeless. He always felt sorry for them, but one day he felt more than sorry. He was working as a server and a homeless man came in and the manager allowed him to stay warm and drink water at the bar since that’s all the homeless man asked for. You could tell the man had been homeless for some time, he looked kind, but clearly the man was not sane. This was before Jonathan himself was medicated and he had a much harsher view of the mentally ill. The homeless man carried a doll with him. He overheard the man tell the bartender about the doll. He referred to it as his only friend for the past three winters; a donation from the kindest soul he ever met, a child. The child had won it from one of those claws machines that are sometimes in supermarkets. The child was proud of himself for winning it and the homeless man could tell that the kid loved the doll instantly. The child had gambled his money and won what he wanted. The child was kind though, and when he saw the man outside of the supermarket begging, the child gave him the doll since he had nothing else to give.

“The most beautiful thing that’s ever happened to me.” said the homeless man.

No one doubted it. It was clear that the homeless man treasured the doll. It was the only thing of any value to him. This is why Jonathan felt he left it after he swiped fifty dollars from the bar counter. Jonathan thought it must have been a hard decision and to the homeless man it was. The bartender was angry though and just threw the doll in the trash. John had hated himself for not fishing it out of the bin. It was a treasure after all.

This memory made Jonathan feel ashamed, if he offered the man some cash then maybe the man wouldn’t have stolen the money and would have been able to keep his only friend. He never looked at the bartender the same way again after that night. They were supposed to move in together and become roommates. Both had saved up money, but Jonathan was able to wiggle out of it thankfully.

He wrote that memory down in his book. He was ashamed of it yes, but it still was a memory that made him who he was and he wanted to remember it. He didn’t write it big, but he did write about it in long paragraphs. There are character defining moments in life and like the times he didn’t kiss Dawn this was a moment he passed up a chance the world gave him to be a better man.

He looked for the chances to be better every day now. Like a lot of things though, they never came around while he was looking for them. Girls, for example, never seem to be around when he was looking for one and this is exactly why one came around while Jonathan was looking for anything else, but a girl. Her name wasn’t important yet, but her body was. He first saw it from behind and it was beautiful to him. It had the right curves and moved the way he liked. He felt love but dismissed it as lust, which was probably right. He saw her when he walked into the pool hall, she was talking to Mike. It was a few days after Christmas and a couple before New Year’s Eve. He thought she might be Mike’s new girl, so he just nodded at Mike and grabbed a table you could see the bar from. It was early and if the girl left he knew Mike would want to play a game with him. The traffic was horrible getting there and caused John some anxiety, but it was better being in a house still full of relatives and holiday cheer. He looked up and made eye contact with the girl, they both smiled and he thought about how beautiful she was. Mike looked back at John with a smile too.

Mike yelled, “Go get my cue, the office is unlocked. I’ll be right there.”

Jonathan had never been in the office before. He’d been in the back room to help get ice for the bar a few times, but the office was always off limits. He went in and grabbed Mike’s cue and when he came back the girl was gone. Mike was already racking up.

“So, is that a new girl?”

“Cousin.”

Mike’s answers weren’t usually short and John thought this meant she was off limits and tried to quickly change the topic, but before he could Mike offered him a beer.

“On the house.”

“On the house?” It’s never been on the house, it’s always been a “free water.”

“Yeah.”

“The old man catch you?”

“No.”

John looked confused and Mike smiled, “My dad is opening another pool hall.”

“Cool…”

Mike held up his arms and spent around, “All of this is my Christmas present.”

“What?”

“Yep.”

“He gave you his first pool hall?”

“Yeah, it’s still his on paper, but this is mine to run.”

“Congratulations.”

“Thank you. You know what, screw the beer let me make us a real drink.” Mike motioned for John to follow him, “I think you should brush up on how to make drinks again.”

“Why?”

“You’re still certified to serve alcohol right?”

“I don’t know, three or five years right? I should still be good. Why?”

“Well, I’m going to need a new morning bartender. You like Old Fashions?”

“Yeah, I love them, but I can’t be your bartender, school starts back up soon.”

“Come on, screw school and just take night classes. I did, they’re easier to pass and they have nice girls in them.”

“Mike, you’re not going to be able to talk me into this.”

“How about just some days?”

“Maybe some days.”

“See, already talked you into it.”

Mike finished off the drinks and they were good, strong, too strong for eleven-thirty in the morning.

Mike smirked and said, “So I caught you checking out my cousin.”

“In my defense I didn’t think she was family. I just thought she was your girlfriend.”

“I love how you define off limits, Johnny boy.” He laughed and continued, “She’s got a job here and she’s single. Said you were cute.”

“She did not.”

Mike said sarcastically with a laugh, “She did get a job here, I hired her.”

“So she’s really single?”

“Yeah.”

“You wouldn’t mind?”

“I’m not attached to her to be honest. My mom wanted me to give her the job. I’ve only ever seen her at Christmases.” Mike stopped and suddenly became very serious. He took a drink and looked deep into John’s eyes and said, “But if I have to come in on my day off to cover for her because you broke her heart, I’ll fucking kill you.”

Mike broke and ran the table for a bit. He used every bit of skill, concentration and control but still lost. Jonathan wasn’t the better player he just always had the better luck. Luck was always something Jonathan always seemed to have. Some say luck is just chances that are taken by people brave or stupid enough to take them. Jonathan didn’t believe that though. He didn’t think of himself as brave or stupid. Lucky though, he thought he was sometimes. He came from a family that always had food and kept him in new clothes and that was lucky. He felt bad that he had so little suffering in his life and tried so hard and thought so many times about ending his own life over what most would think as petty heartache. Everyone has their own levels of pain though. Life is a bitch that way. It sets you up to expect things and with Jonathan it set him up to believe things would just be handed to him. Life stopped handing him things and that’s when the depression really started.

He never remembers himself as a happy kid, then again he doesn’t remember much of his childhood at all. Thinking about it leaves a dark, empty emotional after taste in his mouth. It also leaves him feeling sad, lonely, helpless and afraid. Still, some remember him as a happy kid, it was an act mostly. Not to say he was never happy. Children always seem to find happiness, even if it’s in the nooks and crannies of developing mental illness. He had happy times; he’s seen some of the videos. They we’re only videos though, he was missing the memories. That’s what the mind does though. It’ll take big pieces of sadness and push them out for you to survive. Jonathan felt bad about pushing so much of his childhood out. He was born into so much, but none of it was what a child really needed. He had things, just not the right things.